All I knew was that another Holiday had passed and the Holiday blues were setting in.  I not only began to shed a tear each time those stupid Jared commercials ran but I was feeling the pressure to commit from my friends, family etc.  As  I sat there psychoanalyzing myself getting nowhere fast! I began to ask myself, am I damaged goods? Does the fact that I am a 31-year-old single mom, make me undesirable or wrong?

While many of my friends around me are getting engaged , married, and divorced, I was embracing my singleness. Although I was happy, I began to feel the pressures that society has put on many of us that are over 30 and single. I began to feel  like I was the alien who had lost her way and was following this backward  path in life.   The truth is I know where I am going and why I am doing it.

Whether it be a fear of commitment, not finding the right man, focusing on my career, children etc.. I am happy right where I am at! For those of you that disagree I am going to quote my friend and  fellow sex columnist Jon Ibraham ,” The real issue is the sad truth that the general population believes that if you’re in your late 20s or early 30s and  still single there must be something wrong with you -”NO THERE ISNT!

! Just because I am single does not make me less of a person, less desirable BROKEN or otherwise. Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice to have a life partner but I don’t want just any partner!I guess I am still trying to find my place in this world, still trying to find my dream job, my dream man, be set financially, and emotionally. But far from damaged.

Single by choice, not by circumstance!

Read more: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/sex-on-fire/2010/11/being-single-doesnt-mean-youre-broken.html#ixzz16ilFLIfa

Or on the extreme side of things… You find out your significant other is talking to a member of the opposite sex,to what extent you don’t know.  But lets just say they are just  friends. You disapprove of this friendship and go ape-shit crazy on them! You forbid your man or woman from talking to him or her again, marking your territory. This scenario can be played out in so many ways but lets just go with these .

Whether its  holding your significant others hand a little tighter, letting your jealousy show or  posting your “I’m in a relationship status” on a social networking site, we all posses the need to protect what is ours.   But is it really necessary? And when does it not become ok to let the world know hey he or she is mine!

I used to be that girl, the one who was jumping up and down the table yelling PICK ME , PICK ME! But after I regained my self-confidence, I began to realize how stupid I looked.  I mean what was I doing?! Did I really think that holding on him a little tighter would prevent him from straying? The tighter the hold, the faster they fold!

I now see this obsession with marking ones territory  spilling online and honestly its got to stop . Its one thing to fool yourself in front of one person but to fool yourself to thousands? Not cool!  Call me old-fashioned but I don’t think that a man or woman  should be letting the real or  social networking world know that they did the filthy mcnasty  just the other night! Can you say lame! I am all about freedom of expression, but there is a fine between speaking ones mind and seeking attention. I just don’t see the need for it! Do you really need to let thousands of strangers including your lovers, mother, father , kids, brother and sister know that you like to swallow?

You have not only invaded his privacy but that of his 300 friends also. I mean what are you really trying to accomplish by spreading your bodily fluids on his wall? As a woman if you feel the need to piss all over your man’s wall..Then don’t be surprised if he treats you like a dog.   I really don’t care what you do in your  real or non-existent relationship, just spare me the details please!  Honey if I didn’t want your man in real life, chances are I don’t want him virtually.

Some women are naturally sexy, friendly, or merely want to talk. This does not mean we want your man. Either way, just have some respect for yourself and others. If you feel threatened, jealous, insecure, or the need to keep your man on a short leash. Chances are , he will stray. 

I’m sure I’ve written about his topic, lying in a relationship , However this is a different spin, or so I think. Having your cake and eating it too.

Subject A is unhappy in their relationship. Whether they are at the beginning ,middle, or at the end of the “break-up”; you provide them that ear that they so desperately need. They begin to tell you that you are so easy to talk to and are what they want and need in their life. You begin to believe the lines that they feed you, one thing leads to another and 3 months later , you think this is the one and BAM! Three months later you are getting harassing phone calls from the would be ex! Not to mention the one 3-way call where they denied your existence.. You soon begin to realize, you are the cake! 

For whatever reason subject A has decided to NOT END the relationship with the person that makes them miserable but at the same time tries to keep you. Even though it may have seemed real and you may have believed  his or her lies this is nothing but a sticky situation.

You are merely  that “escape”, that optional desert on the menu-not the main course. If you find out that you are the Cake, the best thing to do is STOP ! Stop making yourself readily available for a person who does not know what they want. Stop believing that he or her will leave them because they won’t (not soon anyways).

I don’t care what that person may or may not say if they opt to lie to their so-called partner and their so-called lover, what morals does that person really have?. And why would you want to be that option? That mere fix for his or her sweet tooth. Wouldn’t you want to be the appetizer, main course and desert that they desire?  Believe me I know that this can be a very confusing situation. You believed him or her and no one wants to be made the fool. But if you find yourself in this situation don’t continue being in it.

I  am sure they have given you every excuse in the book.

-I am going to leave them; I just don’t know where to go. (if they are living together)

-They would be devastated if I left them

-I don’t want to hurt anyone

-I am confused

-I care about you but I love them

-We have a house together, (a child, dog, horse, etc…)

-Lets take this slow, I will leave them eventually.

Let’s be friends.

Dont fall victim to these excuses!  If they wanted to be out of the situation they would. If you were a priority, you would not be involved in drama. Either they want you or they don’t .

And YOU stop making excuses,

-They need time

-They need someone to talk to , I can’t leave them

-They will leave their spouse, girlfriend, eventually

-He is a good guy or girl

Really? Because if they were a good person, they would not be lying to both of you. They would close one door before the other one opens. They would not bring pain into 2 people’s lives. He/she wants to have his cake and eat it too. So STOP, STOP making excuses, stop waiting around to see if he or she will leave them. Even if they do! The drama will follow. Can you really trust someone who chose to cheat emotionally or otherwise ? Whose to say that they will not do that do you?

Let them eat cake, but don’t be the cake. Let them ruin their relationship on their own. You don’t need the added calories or drama!

As my new friend best put it. No one likes to hear the cake say that it’s not good for them-but it has to be done.

That is all for now.

I am not dismissing the fact that those type of women exist- I am not one of them! Honestly, I consider it insulting. I not only fell objectified but feel as if I am not being respected. I mean really? Throwing a couple dollars my way, sound a little whorish? I am the type of woman who takes pride in paying my own bills, providing for my family and saying that I earned that overpriced Italian leather bag. I just think that its outright disrespectful!

And then there are those who think that just because they have bought you a nice dinner or two that you owe them something…Sigh that’s another blog.

But for now..

I just don’t get it! If a woman does not want you chances are she is not going to want you because have an extra 100 dollars in your crusty-ass wallet. Why do some men seem to think that money can buy beauty? And men , do you really want a woman who wants you for your money?

Do you really think that your money, gifts and other forms of lame attempts of trying to impress her will change her mind? Never mind the fact that it is beyond creepy! If a woman wants you, your income, or lack thereof has nothing to do with it.

Actual pick-up lines…

- You need a man to take care of you. Let me be that man.

-You can’t do it on your own. You should let someone in your life and alleviate your financial burdens.

-I like to buy a beautiful girl beautiful things.

REALLY!

I think the Beatles said it best: I don’t care too much for money, money can’t buy me love…

Planting; also known as the time in the relationship when a “person” leaves stuff at a guys or girls house to ward off the rest? Whether it be: a toothbrush, a bra, a scrungee or a pair of shoes,he or she is marking their territory. What ever the object of desire may be, it was left behind to let the next customer served know.. “Hey I was here first!”

Wow ,cough cough, I have to admit I have done it. Not just to say that I did it but i admit it . But to be fair, I have had it done to me. As I was lying there 6 months into the “lets just chill relationship”, I looked over at his night-stand and realized ..”Hey that’s not my lip-gloss, or hey that is not my Victoria’ Secret cream” Can you say OUCH? Sure, it may have stung for a moment but in all fairness, it let me know where I stood in that persons life.

So when does planting become an issue and why do we partake in such a childish act. It also made me think , do men play in that same garden of evil?
I can only look to myself as and example and although I admit to getting my hands all muddy. I must say that my reasons were out of pure laziness. Honestly I don’t really care to mark my territory, I was just too tired of lugging my shit back and forth. I mean really I was at his house almost 2-3xs a week for about 6 months and was playing the wifey role-who wouldn’t. But after I got called out on it from Douche bag MC-T (his name shall remain anonymous) I began to realize what I was doing and immediately stopped. I don’t want to be that woman. The one who feels the need to leave a thing or two in his filthy ass bed-room to feel secure in the relationship. Even if I was doing that, do you honestly think that the next girl who is about to get a piece of that really gives a shit? PROBABLY NOT!

So planting, yay or nay?! Why do we feel the need to do it..

Honestly if you feel the need to plant something, you might want to ask yourself, will that garden ever grow..

I consider myself to be a diverse woman. I try to be honest, chill, confident, real and blunt all at the same time.  Because of this, I don’t really have female friends. For some reason, I bond with boys. Boys are simple, boys are drama free, boys make me feel comfortable in my own skin. Call me insane, but I like having a friend who can tell me if I look fat in those jeans, if I am over analyzing my new relationship, or if I am being overly emotional. Women, for some reason can not do that, they hold their tounge. But wait there is a catch, boys are boys. It seems like the more that I open up to a ”guy” friend, the more they want from me. They are no longer satisfied with a friendship and want to cross over into unknown territory.  Time after time, I feel like I am loosing my (boy)friends because they want to be more than just friends. I just don’t get it! And what upsets me most is the tactics that they use.

For example guy A and you have been friends for a while, because there is no pressure and you are dubbing this a friendship, you have let your wall down. You have allowed him to get to know the real you. Guy A, slowly inches his way into your life, telling you he is  looking out for your better interest. Advice slowly turns into courting, then jealousy and ultimately hurt.
I just don’t understand why men continue to do this?

As our “boy”friends, we tell you everything that is going on in our heads including they type of man we want, how we like to be in the bed-room, what gives us gas (yep I went there) and when was the last day of our menstrual cycle. Men , do you honestly think we are telling you this because we want to be with you?
Truth is, we want another man (with no expectations) to hear us out. We want to be able to be around a partner of the opposite sex and ask him, hey do I look fat in these jeans?

But 90 percent of the time you go there! You change the whole dynamic of our friendship and turn Friday night Pizza and beer nights to just another lonely day . This scenario is an all too familiar one with me. Is it really impossible for two members of the opposite sex to be friends. And really ,why would you compromise the friendship.
The first thought that comes to mind when this happens is “how dare you”! Friends don’t do that!

What am I trying to say. Boys, please don’t lie! Please don’t pretend that you are our friends when you are sexually interested in us. It’s better to be honest rather than us find out when you are trying to stick your tounge down our throat during our movie night. Once we find out that you had that hidden agenda that friendship will be jeopardized. We will begin to re-play the relationship in our heads and feel violated. Which goes back to the age-old question, Can men and women just be friends?

Where are the days of honesty, when a man could tell a woman what he really wants from her. Wether it be sex, a relationship or otherwise; where is the love?  I know that honesty is a difficult dish to serve but how difficult is it to say …”Yes, I do want to be with you” or “No please move on.”  It’s as simple as that. Now I understand that not all people can handle something as real as the truth. To those people I say, “shame on you.”  Wouldn’t you rather live in reality vs a fantasy? Wouldn’t you rather know where the relationship is going vs where you want it to go? And to those who are pulling the strings behind the scene, I am disgusted. Disgusted at the fact that you tug on someones emotions for your selfish gain. Disgusted at that fact that you are not  human enough to let a person go especially when you don’t even know where you are going. Why the circles, why the deceit , why bull?  Insignificant person why do you feel the need to lie to a  good  person  when they have been nothing but good to  you. Why do you feel the need to mess with their minds so that you could keep things Kosher in your life?

  Call me crazy, but I don’t like Kosher! Give me a nice big plate of honesty and I am a happy camper. Believe me guys and girls, the truth will surface. Esp with women. It’s like we have these super powers or some like to call it, “women’s intuition” that kicks in as soon as trouble is in the air. Although we try to ignore it ; that intuition leads us to probe, investigate and eventually find the truth. A cold , hard,truth that was sugar-coated in  shit by you. No thanks!

  So the moral of this story? Don’t lie. If a man or woman asks you a question that is related to your relationship; be upfront be honest, be you!

Which leads me to this post. Indian Giving in a relationship. Is it really necessary to get or give things back? I mean,  what are you really accomplishing by asking for your stuff back. Do you really need that busted up item or faded out T-Shirt? Isn’t it just easier to go to the store and buy another one. Sure there is an exception to this rule, the exception being if that item is priceless or worth over 500$ dollars. If it isn’t, I just don’t see the need to be an Indian Giver..

  I am sure we have all done it. I mean, I am guilty as charged. But is it  honestly worth the aggravation?  I mean Seriously! I really did not want that busted up I-pod that I gave him during the relationship , but I did need an excuse to  see him one last time. 

So Indian Giving in  a relationship, yay or nay..I am now at the point in my life where I don’t care if I give or get back items that we shared in the relationship, friendship or otherwise.  My piece of mind will do just fine. Maybe I am being overly analytical?

You see most women  tend to get emotional before the logical. We tend to get attached sooner, fall quicker and in turn  hurt faster. Men on the other hand are able focus on the logical and rule out the emotional. Sure there are some exeptions to the rule and sometimes most men or women will throw you for a loop. In these situations I would like a dictionary. One that allows you to look up what that means and handle the situation accordingly.

 Will someone please create that dictionary soon?! That way I can understand the male species! M-kay thanks!

Ok I know I am not good at this baseball analogy but it’s the only thing that came to mind. Allow me  to  set the game up for you. You are recovering from a previous relationship. A relationship that left you with an empty soul and empty heart. A relationship that was filled with lies, mind games and abandonment.  After several years of tears and the pain finally subduing you get a hold of your heart. You  are able to piece  yourself together and find the new you.

 New you is confident, strong and ready to  finally let  other players into the game. Player’s that are sincere,  honest and fill the game with moments of happiness and laughter. But every so often, there is that one player that will throw you off your game. He will bring old feelings to surface and will bring an all too familar feeling to mind.   Although new you does not want to be negative nancy. By habit, you look back into the past and acess the current situation. Several red flags are raised and your paranoia sets in. Every part of you wants to run, but there is a small part of you that does not want to forfeit the game just yet. What is right thing to  do ? Do you base your decisions on past experiences and pull out or jump into something whole heartidly with no regrets. 

Old me would tell you to dive in that  shallow water head first. Even though the water may or may not be shallow, at least you are living. New me, on the other hand is on the fence. Part of me says to  to step aside and let that ball pass me by? But then again, old me says it’s not fair.  I know what you may be thinking  just because your last relationship ended in tears does not mean new one will. But on the other side of the spectrum, if you know what the outcome is going to be, why even bother renting the movie.

 I guess I am trying to figure this one out but is it fair to pre-judge your current and future situations based on past ones or should you live in the moment. Should you put conditions on a relationship when you don’t even know what the outcome will be. I don’t know I guess it seems as if the game is getting old and  there are just new players on the field.  

 Even though you try to convince yourself otherwise, you still have those feelings of doubt, fear, confusion and mistrust imbedded in you. You have played this game before and deep down inside are tired of playing it. You know  that smile will eventually fade and that navigation system  is going to eventually tell  you to TURN AROUND .

   This post is dedicated to my friend (k)I know that we have all been hurt before. I know how it feels to be afraid to live and love again but you can’t give up on the game just yet. Just because the last turn out may have not been a pleasureable one, this new one is not going to be the same. We are all left with a  decision; go left or right, up or down. And in this case a decision that will leave you with the question of  following what feels right vs what is right.  I wish I had an answer. I wish I could say that everything is going to be ok. But Life is not written and the game can go any way. In this case, I will be strong and not let my emotions get tangled up in the game of relationships; honestly it is a difficult thing to do. This is why I write about it.